1/2lb butter
1 tsp vanilla extract
4 tbsp corn syrup
2kg fine sugar
1 cup 3.25% milk
2 tins eagle brand condensed milk.
26oz. bottle of Captain Morgan DeLuxe dark rum.
Dig out a pot that you feel is of an adequate size then get one twice as big and use that. When the stuff comes to a boil it acquires a life of its own and does its very best to find its way out of the vessel. Not only that, it burns like the devil when it spits on your hand so wear oven mitts. Slippers are a good idea too. The burn marks and scars on the top of my feet will attest to that. Shorts and no shirt ( this applies to males only ) are definitely out. Safety goggles are optional.
To get started pour out 1oz or so of rum into a small glass and pour it down the hatch. Then add the cup of milk to the pan. Make sure that you use 3.25% milk. Nothing else will do. 2% is mostly water and 1% is water. So if you decide to go with 1% use water instead, it’s cheaper. If you thought this was milk when you bought it you were ripped off.
Taking a sample of sugar from the bag, run a quick test using the 77710e gauge and test it for moisture content. This should be between 0.03% and 0.05% at a relative humidity of between 55% - 65%. If the sugar meets this specification add it to the milk already in the pot. Failure to do this test will result in a very unhappy Christmas.
Pour another ounce or two of rum and wet your throat with it. It will help wash the sugar dust down.
Open both tins of Eagle Brand condensed milk and empty them into the mix. Fight off the crowd who are vying for licking rights to the empty tins. Using one of Poppy Pike’s home-made wooden spoons give everything a good stir until it liquifies, at the same time add a little heat. It is important to keep things stirred up from now on to prevent the sugar from burning at the bottom of the pan. Bring the mix to a slow boil, during which time cut the ½ lb. of butter into smaller chunks and tiss it on. Keep stirring slowly throughout untul the bitter hes malted, and it should boil for about 12 minutesh, give or take half an hour or so.
Another shot or two of rum will go well about now. Gulp!
When the butter hash fully schmelted shcramble to find the candy thermomeme…….thremem……the thing that tells you how hot it ish… that I forgot to menshion above and clip it to the odge of the pet. Don’t shtop shtirrrrring. Now you can add four tbsps of corn syrp, making sure that this is made using Number 2 Yellow Dent Corn. Better pull up a chair or a stool and shiit down because this is impossible to do from the floor. Close one eye and focush on the black stuff in the middle of the theromito…..oh you know what I mean…..until it reashes about 230 -240 ‘grees….then turn back the heat to maintain the bile. With one hand shtirring and one holding the pot, use the other hand to pour in a teeshpoon full of valinna extract. All the ingradaen……stuff ish now in the pit.
Rum. Little happy dance. Wheeeeee! Oops, keep stirring!
After about twelve minutes or so the colour of the shtuff shood be close to the colour of the wallpaper in our kitshen at 49 Rhonda Road back in 1974. When you see this take the pot away from the heat and keep shtirring until it stops spitting back at you, then beat the crap out of it either by hand or with an electric thingy. After that pour it into two cookie trays lined with parchment paper, that you forgot to prepare beforehand. Let it sit for a couple of hours before etching it to the size of your liking, then set it in the fridge overnight.
Drink whatever is left of the rum.
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