Tamar's Lumpies...what everyone should know by Cliff Pike on Saturday, 26 May 2012 at 09:08 ·

The Truth About Tamar’s Lumpies

Tamar’s Lumpies came to live with us a long, long time ago. Whatever else she tells you about them, the fact is they are relics from her kitchen, loaves of home made bread gone awry before she perfected her technique. Other uses were also found for these relics. Pounded flat they made excellent hub caps to replace those pesky missing ones, or when rounded out with a flat bottom became quite presentable, but oversized, heavy-duty paper weights. I am sure that Howard also has found numerous other uses for them.

These things are actually living creatures. When or how this happens no-one knows. Nocturnal in nature, they are active only at night when the house is in complete darkness and everyone fast asleep in their beds. They live in our family room, on the top shelf of one of the book-cases, where they preside over our activities each and every day, lined up like little soldiers on parade awaiting inspection. They may look cute, but they are actually pretty dumb, if you ask me. After a long night of frivolity, when dawn approaches they must quickly return to their perch on top of the books. The problem is they cannot remember what order they were in on the day before, so none of them is ever in the same position in the line-up two days in a row. Pretty dumb, if you ask me…..and they innocently pose there day after day believing that no-one knows of their nightly activities. Sometimes, out of the corner of your eye, you can see fleeting movement of a doughy eyelid slowly opening or closing, or even a single eye slowly scanning the room from left to right to see what’s going on. I strongly suspect they have an ulterior motive but it beats me what it might be.

Oh yes, and they breed somehow. We started out with two and to our dismay there are now a dozen of the little buggers. I don’t know where their reproductive organs can be, because they are pretty much all head. I have looked carefully but have been unable to find any protuberances or orifices that might be used for this purpose.

A  word of warning. Should Tamar offer you one or two of these, or make the secret of production available to all, beware! I think they may be secretly planning on taking over the world. If not the world, at least your household, so they may not be as dumb as they appear to be. You cannot be too careful!